I have a good friend. (Actually, I have two, but that’s another blog post.) Let’s call him GF1. GF1 and I meet for coffee often. We talk about faith, family, business, world events, and everything in between.
Early on in our coffee confabs, we spent 90% of our time talking about him.
Wait. Let me correct that. He spent 90% of our time together talking about him.
Yep, that’s it. That’s how our coffees went down. No exaggeration.
After about 30 minutes, I would find myself drifting to thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bored. I wonder when he’ll be done? Does he not care about my world?”
Instead of speaking up, though, I sucked it up. I fully engaged my active listening arsenal—nodded my head when it seemed appropriate, furrowed my eyebrows as if intently processing his words, pursed my lips and squished them from side-to-side to signal deep thinking.
It worked, because GF1 kept talking. He had no clue that I transitioned to being bored.
I mentioned this peculiar phenomenon to GF2 one day. (That’s good friend #2.) He laughed and said that that’s how extroverts think.
“Huh?” I responded quizzically.
“John,” he said, “you’re an introvert. You live in your head. You process thoughts very deeply before saying anything.”
(Yep, that’s true.)
He continued.
“Your friend is an extrovert. He has to say the words first and then he can process them.”
(This freaked me out a bit at first. It’s as if extroverts don’t have a brain until they speak. Okay, now that I said it out loud, that seems about right.)
He continued.
“You should consider it an honor that your friend allows you into his thought process. That he feels he can share unfiltered thoughts with you. That you can help him think and process and be a trusted collaborator and advisor.”
Oh…
I suddenly felt bad. Maybe even like an arrogant jerk who only cared about himself.
It’s kind of like when extroverts believe that, because I don’t respond immediately to their question—or I let my eyes wander away from them when talking—that I’m disinterested or stand-offish. No! I’m thinking! I’m processing! Trying to get my words and phrases and response perfectly right. (Yep, the very opposite of extroverts.)
Things were different with GF1 and me and our coffee conversations after the discussion with GF2.
GF1 and I still spend 90% of our time talking about him, but I’m fine with that now. I have a better understanding of who he is, how he thinks, how he processes information. And what he needs from me.
GF1 isn’t being selfish. He is showing respect for me and my thinking and collaborating abilities.
And the best part is, I no longer have to fake my active listening skills. They are now very natural and real. I’m fully engaged because I know my role with GF1.
How very, very cool.
Do you have a GF who bores you? Are you the boring one? What do you need to learn about your GF—or share with them about yourself—that would allow both of you to have grace for the other person’s personality? That would allow each of you to better understand your role in the relationship? Do you have a GF who’s a deep thinker? Are you the deep thinker in relationships? Is your brain inside your head (hidden from the world) or on the outside where everyone can see and hear it?
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