Family dysfunction sneaks up on us and steals decades of joy and happiness. I know. I experienced it.
My parents never kissed. At least, I never witnessed it. I also never saw them hold hands. Or hug. Or sit next to each other on the couch on TV nights. Or do anything that showed they valued each other and their marriage.
Only one time did I see them place their relationship ahead of anything else. They took a long weekend trip to Kentucky (we lived in Ohio), just the two of them. My mom was as happy heading out on that trip as I ever remember her.
Other than that one trip my mom and dad each had other priorities. And those priorities were clear and evident. My dad worked long hours (manual labor) and then mostly stayed quiet and to himself while at home. My mom stayed home and worked as a babysitter, and spent long hours keeping the household running.
They loved each other, I have no doubts about that, but they never showed it. They never modeled a healthy husband-wife relationship to their kids. (Nor, unfortunately, did they model Godly love or faith. We were not churchgoers, even though we could walk out the back door of our house, across the alley, and straight up the back steps of a church. We were that close, and yet that far.)
Dysfunction
This lack of a visible and healthy husband-wife relationship created a chasm between my parents—verbally and physically—out of which tumbled a family dysfunction.
It seemed that most days my dad was mad (or maybe sad or depressed, I never knew for certain), so we all kept a distance. My mom was always busy with meals and laundry and cleaning and sewing and multiple projects around the house, in addition to her three kids and the kids she babysat. Maybe it was her attempt to drown out the quiet disharmony that hung in the house.
But know that family dysfunction has a curious knack of dragging individual dysfunction right along with it.
All of this dysfunction, though, is cloaked. It’s hidden. While we’re living in the midst of it, we have the belief that it’s normal. Like the frog placed in cool water that is slowly heated, it continually acclimates to the higher temperatures even as it is boiling to death.
We carry this dysfunction with us into adulthood. It’s only after decades of injecting it into our relationships (both personal and professional) do we finally realize that something is wrong. By then, though, it’s too late. The damage is done and we’ve unwittingly passed it on to our own kids.
We can stop the cycle, though. With God’s help, that is.
Our Priority
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Ephesians 5:25
That’s it. That’s what He asks of us. And this stops the cycle.
We’re not asked to love our work as Christ loved the church. Or our career. Or our talents. Or our life goals. Or our money. Or car. Or sports. Or ESPN. Or our kids’ talents, abilities, and accomplishments.
Or even our kids themselves.
We are asked to love our wives as Christ loved the church. And for a reason. When we get that relationship right, we can get every other relationship right as well.
In God’s eyes, our role as husband is significantly more important and impactful than our role as father (or son or brother or friend or provider or whatever).
In the very beginning of His word, after God created the universe and then man and woman, He brought that same man and woman together as husband and wife. It’s the very first relationship He created on this earth.
Don’t lose sight of the significance of this act by God so early in His word and workings.
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 1:24
Flipped Priorities
It is impossible to be one with our wives and at the same time put our kids first. Instead, this behavior rips us apart from our wives, it tears at the very fabric of what God originally intended.
When we get the husband part wrong, we consequently get the father part wrong too.
Flip these priorities—husband and father—and we teach our kids the wrong things, the wrong priorities, and we neglect the first role God gave us as men—that of being a loving husband.
When men humbly pursue God and His Son wholeheartedly, and obey His word, they become better husbands; and when men are better husbands, they naturally become better fathers as well (and better sons, brothers, friends, and providers).
Spoil Your Wife
Before you spoil your kids, spoil your wife. You do this by knowing her—truly knowing her needs and desires and feelings:
- Actively seek to know and meet your wife’s needs (the ones that you are able to); and likewise, seek to listen to and understand her feelings.
- Put boundaries around your relationship with your wife. (For example, your bedroom after 10pm is off limits, and date night every week no matter what.)
- Show public affection for your wife. Kiss. Hold hands. Sit next to each other on the couch. Let your kids visibly see your love for their mother by setting her apart as special.
Do these things and you will teach your kids what a loving, caring, healthy relationship looks like. And you will give them a healthy model to take into their own relationships.
The smile on your wife’s face when you walk in the room will tell them more about you as a man than anything you could ever do for them or say to them.
I write these words out of failure. I flipped these Godly priorities of husband and father in my first marriage. The price is high for doing this, and I continue to pay that price.
I am now happily re-married. My wife gets the benefit of my failed past. I know her well and I continue to seek to know her more and more. She is my Godly priority. (And she is spoiled. Very spoiled.)
Know that our role as husband is far more important than any other role we play, even more important than our role as father. When we flip these priorities everyone pays a price. When we get them right we give our wife and kids a priceless gift that lasts a lifetime.
Now, go kiss your wife…
In what visible ways are you showing your kids that you love your wife? What are you teaching them about marriage? Are you more involved as a husband or as a father? Have you asked your wife how well she feels you know her? Have you asked her if she feels that you prioritize anyone or anything else above her? Are you in the regular habit of asking your wife what she needs in a particular moment… what she’s feeling?
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